He ha ha

An Irishman had just had his first computer installed at home.

One day, while his neighbor Pat was working in the front yard next door, Mike walks out of his house and down the street to the post office. Shortly after, he comes walking back with an angry look on his face, goes in and slams his door.

A few minutes pass and the routine is repeated, except that he returns more obviously upset than before. This is repeated three times before Pat stops Mike and asks him if anything is wrong.

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"Begorah and there is," he exclaims. "My f**cking computer keeps saying YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

LJ - stay away

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have their parents
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and
a survival knife."

She drank the whiskey on the way down to calm herself and then her
parachute landed right in the middle of twenty members of the enemy
troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of
bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, and then
she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

playing mummy daddy

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers' old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says,

"What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

keeping a promise

Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

how to refuse eating

Little Johnny refused to eat.
So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"

"Worms" Little Johnny said.
The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."

"I want them fried" was the response.

The nurse took them and had them fried. When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.

The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it."

"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.

The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry.

The doctor asked what was wrong.
Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"

In a mexican school

There's this school down in South Texas where there are very few white kids, mostly all Mexican. The teacher was asking for the kids to identify famous quotes.

She asked, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but she calls on Maria, who answers, "John F Kennedy."

Then, she asks "Who said, 'I have a dream...'?"

Little Johnny raises his hands, both of them, and waves them around, but she calls on Juan, who says, "Martin Luther King."

This continues with quotes from Winston Churchill and other notable historians. Finally, the bell rings, and in the confusion and noise of the kids leaving the classroom, a voice from the back of the room yells, "To hell with all those Mexicans."

The teacher hollers out, "Who said that!"

Little Johnny puts up his hand and replies, "Davy Crockett, at the Alamo."

Johnny as new driver

Johnny has just received his driver's license. His family goes out to the driveway and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the backseat, directly behind the new driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," replies his father, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

L:J

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?

JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

Lil johnny

Doing badly in math

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of.

Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face.

He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Johnny is hard at work.

His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in Math.

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head no.

"Well then," She asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"

Little Johnny looks at her and say "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Computer Humor

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

***

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

***

A woman customer called the Canon help desk about a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

Want to catch you

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new
gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on
the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They
lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes
the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door
when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're
mine."

Granted wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge

Sardar Jokes

Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket.

He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.

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Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the
computer.

Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.


Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

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On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our


engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

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Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one

before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

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2 sardars were fixing a bomb in a car.


Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more.

============ ========= ==
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from


his auto. A man asks sardar why
are you removing a wheel from your auto.


sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.


============ ========= ====
Sardar : What is the name of your car ?


Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".

Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi

petrol se start hoti hai.

============ ========= =======


Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?


sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.

============ ======
How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?

Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it

Time to smile

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs.5 lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?"

"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"

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Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!"

Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

"Yes, Father it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I promised I'd never tell."

"Was it Nina Capeli?"

"I'm sorry, Father, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"Father, my lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone, therefore you cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Be Silent

LJ gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and gets excited and tense. As soon as he boards the plane, a Boeing 747, he started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat and shouting, 'BOEING!BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.

The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE SILENT!'

There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody looks at LJ. He stares at the pilot in silence for a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!OE...'

Balle Balle

Pakistani, Bangladeshi and OUR Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to
drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to
pieces.

He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

OUR Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
Pakistani and Bangladeshi.
He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshi that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Balle balle !!!!