LJ - stay away

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have their parents
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and
a survival knife."

She drank the whiskey on the way down to calm herself and then her
parachute landed right in the middle of twenty members of the enemy
troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of
bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, and then
she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

playing mummy daddy

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers' old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says,

"What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

keeping a promise

Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

how to refuse eating

Little Johnny refused to eat.
So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"

"Worms" Little Johnny said.
The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."

"I want them fried" was the response.

The nurse took them and had them fried. When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.

The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it."

"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.

The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry.

The doctor asked what was wrong.
Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"

In a mexican school

There's this school down in South Texas where there are very few white kids, mostly all Mexican. The teacher was asking for the kids to identify famous quotes.

She asked, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but she calls on Maria, who answers, "John F Kennedy."

Then, she asks "Who said, 'I have a dream...'?"

Little Johnny raises his hands, both of them, and waves them around, but she calls on Juan, who says, "Martin Luther King."

This continues with quotes from Winston Churchill and other notable historians. Finally, the bell rings, and in the confusion and noise of the kids leaving the classroom, a voice from the back of the room yells, "To hell with all those Mexicans."

The teacher hollers out, "Who said that!"

Little Johnny puts up his hand and replies, "Davy Crockett, at the Alamo."

Johnny as new driver

Johnny has just received his driver's license. His family goes out to the driveway and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the backseat, directly behind the new driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," replies his father, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

L:J

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?

JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

Lil johnny

Doing badly in math

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of.

Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face.

He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Johnny is hard at work.

His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in Math.

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head no.

"Well then," She asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"

Little Johnny looks at her and say "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."