You must know where you are........

Hmm.

"Shit!!!!!!!........."

There were 4 guys John, Franky, Manav and Ashley who found a small bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that they had released him , the genie said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true."
John ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
John was ecstatic.
Next came Franky. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
Manav jumped and shouted, "Beer".
The last of them was Ashley. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "Shit!!!!!!!........."

Moral of the story : Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in

are u Mr.Z?

Mr.A, Mr.Z, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and Mr.A are sitting there looking perplexed.
Mr.Z is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: That Mr.Z must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.
Mr.Z is thinking: "Damn it, that Mr.A must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Mr.Z must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
Mr.A is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Mr.Z again."

Sardar's Blunders

Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport
size photograph
of his son (for college admission). Accidently,the photo fell down from
his pocket.
He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the
ends of a woman's saree.
He asked her "Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph"
The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted
to hospital.



He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a worse
condition.

Banta explained what happened to him He had gone to a remote
village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus.
He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house
and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.
The Owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry,I can't a
llow you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether
he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up
daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He went to the next
house and asked:" Do you have "grown up" Daughters?".
The Owner asked,"WHY?????????"

Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The rest is history.


Two Sardars and their Horses
Then there were two sardars, Zail singh & Jarnail singh.
Both of them bought a horse each.
"How will we know which is your & which is mine?" asked Zail."Easy"
replied
Jarnail. "I'll cut mine's tail,yours will be the one with tail"

This was heard by a few boys ,they cut the other's tail too.
Next morning the confusion continued.
"Don't worry "retorted Jarnail.
"I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without the
bell."

The boys heard this also & cut the bell. The next day, Zail
got frustrated & said "Okay now the last criterion, white will be yours
& black will be mine

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they
just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny
replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says
with a huge grin,

"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..

Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"

By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny
has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints.............

Be Creative... Be Smart

Not only our technical knowledge helps, but also the presence of
mind and the right answer at right time. Even if u don't know the
answer for a question just confuse the questioner.

Question and the Answer given by Candidates oh sorry they are IAS
Officers now.

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with
one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper)

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )
???-

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one
really difficult question.

Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a
while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me
this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the
correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and
said, "It's the DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked, "Sorry sir, you promised me that you
will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!

He was selected for IIM!

"Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is
the master of simplicity."

Quotes of the week

"Stop complaining about what you're not getting, and start creating what you want."
- Dr. Phil McGraw

"The rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart-hunger (praise) will hold people in the palm of his hand, and even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies."
- Dale Carnegie

"The best thing you can do for the people you love is to become a Happy and Joyous person."
- Brian Tracy

"All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: Chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire."
- Aristotle

Proof

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"

% Time 2 Smile %

Not Long after I got contact lenses, I pulled a traffic violator over. As I wrote out a citation, another car whizzed by, blowing dust into my eyes. Tears started streaming down my cheeks. Seeing me in this state, the man I was ticketing said, "If you feel that sorry about giving me a ticket, officer, don't do it."

***

My mother was telling her hairdresser about her bad luck with men, after having just broken off with her boyfriend of five years. "You think that's bad," the hairdresser responded, "I had a customer who just found out her boyfriend was married." "You're kidding!" my mother exclaimed. "How long did it take her to find out?" The hairdresser thought for a minute and began counting on her fingers. "About eight haircuts."

***

My friend, a wallpaper hanger, usually works in solitude in homes while the owners are at their jobs. But one day, hanging paper in a suite of offices, he forgot he wasn't alone. When a piece of paper failed to stick, he let go a string of expletives. Embarrassed, he turned and saw the computer operator, whose office he was papering, staring at him. "Sorry," he muttered. "That's paper-hanging talk." "Don't worry about it, honey," she replied. "It's computer talk too."

yAHOO rEALITY

Home WORK

Being Bald.

Power of punctuation

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it Correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."


Punctuation is powerful

GirlFriends VS Wife

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help!
Joe.


Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!
Tech Support

......sardar.......

A sardar selling parachute, jump from plane n press button & you can land safely. CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????

SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......

For Gals.. Yesterday and Today

1980 girls: Maa mei Jeans pehanungi? Maa : Nahin beti log kya kahengey?

2006 girls: Maa mein mini skirt pehanungi? Maa: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!

Laws of Life

LAW OF QUEUE:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster
than the one you are in now.

LAW OF THE TELEPHONE:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting some one you know increases when you are
with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Management Lesson

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that and so forth.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way BigJohn was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he Felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once Again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Management Lesson:" Be sure there is a problem in the first place Before working hard to solve one."

Hmm.. Call center

READ THIS------TILL THE END!!!


Last night as I lay sleeping
I died or so it seemed

Then I went to heaven

But only in my dream

Up there St Peter met me

Standing at the pearly gates

He said "I must check your records

Please stand here and wait."

He turned and said "your record

Is covered with terrible flaws

On earth I see you rallied

For every losing cause.

I see that you drank alcohol

And smoked and used drugs too

Fact is you're done everything

A good person should never do.

We can't have people like you up here

Your life was full of sin."

Then he read the last of my record

Took my hand and said "come in."

He lead me up to the big boss and said

"Take him in and treat him well.

He used to work in a call centre

He's done his time in hell