You must know where you are........

Hmm.

"Shit!!!!!!!........."

There were 4 guys John, Franky, Manav and Ashley who found a small bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that they had released him , the genie said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true."
John ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
John was ecstatic.
Next came Franky. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
Manav jumped and shouted, "Beer".
The last of them was Ashley. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "Shit!!!!!!!........."

Moral of the story : Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in

are u Mr.Z?

Mr.A, Mr.Z, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and Mr.A are sitting there looking perplexed.
Mr.Z is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: That Mr.Z must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.
Mr.Z is thinking: "Damn it, that Mr.A must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Mr.Z must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
Mr.A is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Mr.Z again."

Sardar's Blunders

Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport
size photograph
of his son (for college admission). Accidently,the photo fell down from
his pocket.
He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the
ends of a woman's saree.
He asked her "Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph"
The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted
to hospital.



He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a worse
condition.

Banta explained what happened to him He had gone to a remote
village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus.
He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house
and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.
The Owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry,I can't a
llow you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether
he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up
daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He went to the next
house and asked:" Do you have "grown up" Daughters?".
The Owner asked,"WHY?????????"

Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The rest is history.


Two Sardars and their Horses
Then there were two sardars, Zail singh & Jarnail singh.
Both of them bought a horse each.
"How will we know which is your & which is mine?" asked Zail."Easy"
replied
Jarnail. "I'll cut mine's tail,yours will be the one with tail"

This was heard by a few boys ,they cut the other's tail too.
Next morning the confusion continued.
"Don't worry "retorted Jarnail.
"I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without the
bell."

The boys heard this also & cut the bell. The next day, Zail
got frustrated & said "Okay now the last criterion, white will be yours
& black will be mine

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they
just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny
replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says
with a huge grin,

"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..

Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"

By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny
has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints.............

Be Creative... Be Smart

Not only our technical knowledge helps, but also the presence of
mind and the right answer at right time. Even if u don't know the
answer for a question just confuse the questioner.

Question and the Answer given by Candidates oh sorry they are IAS
Officers now.

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with
one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper)

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )
???-

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one
really difficult question.

Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a
while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me
this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the
correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and
said, "It's the DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked, "Sorry sir, you promised me that you
will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!

He was selected for IIM!

"Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is
the master of simplicity."

Quotes of the week

"Stop complaining about what you're not getting, and start creating what you want."
- Dr. Phil McGraw

"The rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart-hunger (praise) will hold people in the palm of his hand, and even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies."
- Dale Carnegie

"The best thing you can do for the people you love is to become a Happy and Joyous person."
- Brian Tracy

"All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: Chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire."
- Aristotle

Proof

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"

% Time 2 Smile %

Not Long after I got contact lenses, I pulled a traffic violator over. As I wrote out a citation, another car whizzed by, blowing dust into my eyes. Tears started streaming down my cheeks. Seeing me in this state, the man I was ticketing said, "If you feel that sorry about giving me a ticket, officer, don't do it."

***

My mother was telling her hairdresser about her bad luck with men, after having just broken off with her boyfriend of five years. "You think that's bad," the hairdresser responded, "I had a customer who just found out her boyfriend was married." "You're kidding!" my mother exclaimed. "How long did it take her to find out?" The hairdresser thought for a minute and began counting on her fingers. "About eight haircuts."

***

My friend, a wallpaper hanger, usually works in solitude in homes while the owners are at their jobs. But one day, hanging paper in a suite of offices, he forgot he wasn't alone. When a piece of paper failed to stick, he let go a string of expletives. Embarrassed, he turned and saw the computer operator, whose office he was papering, staring at him. "Sorry," he muttered. "That's paper-hanging talk." "Don't worry about it, honey," she replied. "It's computer talk too."

yAHOO rEALITY

Home WORK

Being Bald.

Power of punctuation

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it Correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."


Punctuation is powerful

GirlFriends VS Wife

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help!
Joe.


Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!
Tech Support

......sardar.......

A sardar selling parachute, jump from plane n press button & you can land safely. CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????

SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......

For Gals.. Yesterday and Today

1980 girls: Maa mei Jeans pehanungi? Maa : Nahin beti log kya kahengey?

2006 girls: Maa mein mini skirt pehanungi? Maa: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!

Laws of Life

LAW OF QUEUE:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster
than the one you are in now.

LAW OF THE TELEPHONE:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting some one you know increases when you are
with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Management Lesson

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that and so forth.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way BigJohn was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he Felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once Again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Management Lesson:" Be sure there is a problem in the first place Before working hard to solve one."

Hmm.. Call center

READ THIS------TILL THE END!!!


Last night as I lay sleeping
I died or so it seemed

Then I went to heaven

But only in my dream

Up there St Peter met me

Standing at the pearly gates

He said "I must check your records

Please stand here and wait."

He turned and said "your record

Is covered with terrible flaws

On earth I see you rallied

For every losing cause.

I see that you drank alcohol

And smoked and used drugs too

Fact is you're done everything

A good person should never do.

We can't have people like you up here

Your life was full of sin."

Then he read the last of my record

Took my hand and said "come in."

He lead me up to the big boss and said

"Take him in and treat him well.

He used to work in a call centre

He's done his time in hell

proof for Global warming

Arjun singh

Here are some Arjun singh jokes to make you smile.?
WHAT IS AN ARJUN SINGH SALE ?
Ans 49.5% off.

WHICH IS ARJUN SINGH'S FAVOURITE CITY ?
Ans Kota

WHY DOESN'T ARJUN SINGH HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS?
Ans Because he's 'reserved' by nature .

WHY DID ARJUN SINGH LEARN ARABIC?
Ans So that he could read 'backwards'.
ARJUN SINGH WAS MADE THE LAW MINISTER. HE ZAPPED
EVERYONE BY CREATING ANOTHER SUPREME COURT. HE
CALLED IT THE SUPREME TRIBUNAL. WHAT WAS HIS LOGIC?
Ans For every SC, there should be an ST .

IF ARJUN SINGH WERE TO MAKE A CAREER IN FILMS, WHICH
JOB WOULD HE OPT FOR?
Ans Choosing the caste .

IF ARJUN SINGH OWNED A MOVIE THEATER, WHAT WOULD
THE BALCONY BE CALLED?
Ans Backward Class

IF ARJUN SINGH WERE A HISTORIAN, HOW WOULD HE DIVIDE
TIME?
Ans AD, BC & OBC.

magic NUMBER

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321
111.111.111 x 111.111.111 = 12.345.678.987.654.321

Beer bar

Bhola walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Bhola was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Bhola runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Bhola wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.

When Bhola returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!"

True Ages of Indian Actresses

Esha Deol
2 November 1982 - AGE 23

Priyanka Chopra
18 July 1982 - AGE 23

Diya Mirza
9 December 1981 - AGE 24

Amrita Rao
17 June 1981 - AGE 24

Riya Sen
24 January 1981 - AGE 24

Kareena Kapoor
21 September 1980 - AGE 24

Preeti Jhangiani
18 August 1980 - AGE 25

Kim Sharma
21 January 1980 - AGE 25

Amisha Patel
9 June 1979 - AGE 26

Shamita Shetty
2 February 1979 - AGE 26

Lara Dutta
16 April 1978 - AGE 27

Rani Mukharjee
21 March 1978 - AGE 27

Rinkie Khanna
27 July 1977 - AGE 28

Sushmita Sen
13 November 1975 - AGE 30

Mahima Choudhary
13 Setember 1975 - AGE 30

Kajol
5 August 1975 - AGE 30

Karishma Kapoor
25 June 1975 - AGE - 30

Shilpa ShettY
8 June 1975 - AGE 30

Twinkle Khanna
29 December 1974 - AGE 31

Raveena Tondon
26 October 1974 - AGE 30

Simran
4 April 1974 - AGE 31

Priety Zinta
31 January 1974 - AGE 31

Sonali Bendre
1 January 1974 - AGE 31

Aishwarya Rai
1 November 1973 - AGE 31

Urmila Mantondkar
4 February 1973 - AGE 32

Mamta Kulkarni
20 April 1972 - AGE 33

Tabu
4 November 1971 - AGE 33

Neelam
9 November 1970 - AGE 34

Manisha Koirala
25 August 1970 - AGE 35

Juhi Chawala
13 November 1967 - AGE 37

Madhuri Dixit
15 May 1967 - AGE 38

Sridevi
13 August 1963 - AGE 42

Jayaprada
3 April 1962 - AGE 43

Dimple Kapadia
8 June 1957 - AGE 48

Rekha
10 October 1954 - AGE 60

Virtual Reality

A BRANDED MAIL

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda), after WIPRO (Applying Thought) so much ,I dare to say that You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love)
and BOSCH (Invented for life) and my AIWA (Pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (Better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh ) feeling for me.

I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough) but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest ones).

If they say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Let's Make Things Better). They will feel MIRINDA (Zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye). For our marriage SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Everyone's Invited) and after marriage we'll be WHIRLPOOL (U and ME - The World's best homemakers)

Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) who love each other. And we are WILLS (Made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real taste of life),

SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, Fast, Easy ) and PARX (Always Comfortable). So never forget me. Ok bye!
I wrote little but PEPSI (Yeh dil mange more).

LG (Digitally Yours)!!!!!

Beauty of Maths!

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?

And finally, take a look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321

Innocent assumption

Husband Vs wife

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."


"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why ?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"

She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"

Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her."

One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"

The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

A good lesson

This is one of the best I have read in a long time. I am fortunate to have wonderful friends -- thank you

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son,

"How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father. The son answered:

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Girls' car

Bush hid the facts

A bug in windows


For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.

See what happens, isn’t it a weird bug ?

a Chinese Joke

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Rightnow, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

A puzzle

A rich old Arab has three sons. When he died, he willed his 17 camels to the sons, to be divided as follows: First Son to get 1/2 of the camels, Second Son to get 1/3rd of the camels, Third Son to get 1/9th of the camels. The sons are sitting there trying to figure out how this can possibly be done, when a very old wise man goes riding by. They stop him and ask him to help them solve their problem. Without hesitation he divides the camels properly and continues riding on his way. How did he do it?


look into comments for the answer..

Boss are always Boss

Managers & Engineers

A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.

They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.

"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!"

Moral:

No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you.

Time to smile

Math

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

Spelling

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
STUDENT: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
STUDENT: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
STUDENT: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

Funny Leave letters

1. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem - Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 O-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both (!!)for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Children's Wisdom

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Thought for the day

If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?

Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

================================================================
Tihar Jail ordered 999 Shirts and 1000 Pants for its inmates.
Tell why this odd combination?


Answer : Bcos SALMAN KHAN is coming and He hardly wear SHIRTs!!!

================================================================
Do you know the similarity between "Dinasaurs" & "Decent Girls"

Answer: Both dont exist on earth !!!

================================================================
When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?

Answer : On their Wedding !!

Did U know?

You can listen to any PDF instead of reading with Adobe Reader 7 .0 Or 6.0, and the short cut is:
Ctrl+shift+b - to hear the entire Document
Ctrl+shift+v - to hear the page
Ctrl+shift+c - to resume
Ctrl+shift+e - to stop
Open any PDF File and test....

it is intersting isn't?

Have u ever been this tired?

The power of Vedic maths

Look this site if you are intersted in Vedic mathematics.

http://www.vedicmaths.org/Introduction/Tutorial/Tutorial.asp

a good site ... to learn

Personal sec

whats the difference between a seceratry and a personal secretary.???

a secretary says----- Good Morning SIR!
and a personal secretary says ----- Oh its morning SIR !!!.....................lol

If we were in Pak,

If we were in Pak,
our education options would be:

IIT-Islamic Institute of Terrorism
JEE-Jehadic Entrance Examinations
IIM-Institute of Infiltration Management
CAT-Career in Al-Qaeda and Taliban
IAS-Iraq after Saddam
GATE-General Aptitude in Terrorism and Extremisim
M.Tech-Masters in Terror Technology

its story time.

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog
coming inside the shop. He shoos
him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and
notices it has a note in its
mouth.

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,
please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note
there. So he takes the money and
puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The
butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to
shut the shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a
level crossing; the dog puts down
the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in
mouth, for the lights to turn.
They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all
the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The
butcher is in awe as the dog
stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows
the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt
to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are
the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat
looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags
its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop
completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the
stop.

It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it
approaches the wooden door, the dog
suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the
window, and beats its head
against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The
butcher watches as a big guy
opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him,
and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops
the guy.

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on
TV, for the life of me! "To
which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this
week that this stupid dog's
forgotten his key."

Moral of the story.....
You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but
shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.
It's a dog's life after all.....

Before and After marraige

to look "after marraige" press Ctrl+ A

Boys and Girls

BOYS PLEDGE:


India is our nation,
Girls are our destination,
Flirting is our Profession,
Dating is our Occupation,
to hell with our Education.


GIRLS POLICY:



Fraud with innocent boys;
Fun with Handsome boys;
Friendship with Smart boys;
Love with Faithful boys;
Marriage with Rich boys.

ABCDEFg.......

Do you know whats is A B C D E F G???

A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl

Now reverse the order,can anyone guess the full form of:

G F E D C B A ???

Girls Forgets Everything Done & Catches(new) Boy Again...

George Bush in a school

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.
First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!
And fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!

Mothers advice to son

A mother eager to teach her small son good manners told him one day to offer his seat to any lady if he finds one standing in the bus.
A few days later the son came back and complained to his mother that a lady had slapped him in the bus to whom he had offered his seat.
Mother: How insolent these ladies have become now a days...
by the way where were you sitting, son
Son: On my father's lap...

Better career option

Secularism

for more clearer picture click this link:
http://static.flickr.com/47/167582710_e224f2a96e_o.jpg

Cool kool

If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage

During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom is made to sit on the horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.

A guy to his GF :
I wrote ur name on the sands.............
it got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air..........................
it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart.............
i got a HEART ATTACK

LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers

True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain and u can embrace when u r happy
so when u need true love
spend Rs.50/- Buy a pillow

The human brain is most outstanding thing.......
it functions 24hrs 365 days.....
it functions right from the time u r Born....until you fall in love

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..

History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....

Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age Hitler commited suicide

Where is JESUS?

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes,I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

SMS Mania

New,,,,,,,,,, and New...
Good collection of SMS messages....
All,
I have started a new blog for SMS'es.. and is
just a click away..

Visit:-
http://smsdaily.blogspot.com


spread a word to your friends too, Let them also N'Joy...

Prosecution

drop your pants

This is how business is done

Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Psychological test - wat sort of person are you?

What sort of person are you. Following is a simple but very effective
psychological test, devised by famous British psychologist Dr. John S.
Bebridge. Our choice about the nature reveals a lot about us. Spend
Atleast few minutes before checking the option given at the end.

It is spring time. Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in
the jungle. You pushed open the door, in front of you are 7 small beds
to the right of the hut, and another 7 small chairs surrounding a
round table. In the middle of the table, a food tray with 5 kinds of
fruit is kept.

These are:
a.) Apple
b.) Banana
c.) Strawberry
d.) Peach
e.) Orange

Which fruit would you choose? see the comments section for the answers .....

Family Problem

Once two men sat in a bar drinking.

The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems."

The second one said ,"I'll tell you mine. I married a widow having a young daughter. My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems !!! ".

Why did the chicken cross the road??

Jayalalitha:
"From reliable sources I've learned that the chicken actually belongs to Karunanidhi. He is making his chicken

cross the road just to create law and order problems. The chicken has now been arrested under POTA"

Bal Thackeray:
"Chickens crossing the roads is totally against our culture. My sainiks will see to any chickens that try to cross the road"

Venkiah Naidu:
"That the chicken crossed the road clearly demonstrates the fact that the people and chickens have lost confidence in the Congress Government. The Government should own moral responsibility and resign."

George Fernandes:
"I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don't own a house, or a car, leave alone a chicken."

Mulayam Singh:
"I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely, and in dignity, without their motives being questioned"

L.K.Advani:
"I definitely see a Pakistani hand in this chicken crossing business ..."

Sonia Gandhi
"We are very sure of the fact that the chicken did not cross the road. It's just a conspiracy by the BJP to bring the Government down. The poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this whole issue"

H.S.Surjeet:
"We are adopting a wait and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of the Left parties today. We will decide the future course of action after the chicken comes back"

Abdul Kalam:
"Yes, why did the chickens cross the road? Please tell me why? They crossed to get to the other side of the road. Now children, repeat after me...."

Menaka Gandhi:
" The poor chicken had to cross the road. If a vehicle had run over it, we would have lost one of our most precious creatures. We must therefore ban all vehicles from using the road."

Gabbar Singh
"Arrey oh Saamba! Kitne chicken thhey?

Amitabh Bachchan:
"The chicken has crossed the road? Are you sure? Pakka? Lock kiya jaaye?"

Black and white hats

There are 3 black hats and 2 white hats in a box. Three men (we will call them A, B, & C) each reach into the box and place one of the hats on his own head. They cannot see what color hat they have chosen. The men are situated in a way that A can see the hats on B & C's heads, B can only see the hat on C's head and C cannot see any hats.

When A is asked if he knows the color of the hat he is wearing, he says no.

When B is asked if he knows the color of the hat he is wearing he says no.

When C is asked if he knows the color of the hat he is wearing he says yes and he is correct.

What color hat and how can this be? There is no play on words and there are no tricks. If had is used instead of has it is purely accidental

asusual answers in the comment section...

an interview with GOD

So you would like to interview me?” God asked.

“If you have the time” I said.

God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?”

God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.”

“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”

“That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.”

"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived.”

God’s hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons
you want your children to learn?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.”

“To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”

“To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"

God smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”



to view
"view presentation"
http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/windowmovie2.html

India these days...

UKG exam

stung by a BEE

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

Love and marraige

The student asks a teacher: What is love?
The teacher said: in order to answer your question, go to the paddy field and choose the biggest paddy and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn
back to pick.

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big paddy, but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later. Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.Later, when he finished more than half of the paddy field, he start to realize that the paddy is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted. So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, this is love... you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person The student asked: What is marriage then? The teacher said: In order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick. The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he fee satisfied, and came back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, this time you bring back a corn.... you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get .... this is marriage.

Americanisms

Haven't you always wondered how "Americanisms" would sound like if they were translated literally to an average Indian on, say, the streets of New Delhi (or elsewhere)?

Have a nice day! ----- * Achcha din lo!

What's up? ----- *Uppar kya hai?

You're kidding! ----- *Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!

Don't kid me! ----- * Mera bachcha mut banaao!

Yo, baby! What's up? -----* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?

Cool man! -----* Thandaa aadmi!

Don't mess with me, dude.----- * Mere saath gandagee mat karo, ek hustee.

Check this out, man! ----- * Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi!

She's so fine! ----- * Woh itnee baareek hai!

Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay!?----- * Suno dost, woh choozaa mera hai, theek?

Hey good looking; what's cooking? ----- * Hey Sundari; kyaa pak raha hai?

Are you nuts? ----- * Kya aap akhrot hain?

Son of a gun.----- * Bachcha bandook ka.

And the best one is.....

How do you do? ----- * Kaise karte ho?

General Body Meeting.... ----- *Saamanya Shaaririk Milan

Women Demystified - The IT way

SoftWare Programming in C++ for Structure of Females!

struct female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
}

struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
}

struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
}

struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
}

struct husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making;
}

struct beautiful_city_girl{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;
}

struct old_lady
{
double chin ;
short memory;
long sighs ;
void attention_from_men;
char chatterbox;
}

Praise the Lord

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale." Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "no, no," counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!" The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would Not stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."

The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff. The Pastor cried "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he Remembered the correct command and screamed "AMEN!!!!!" just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

HOW TO IMPRESS CLIENTS

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying
a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was a! lso flying to Seattle,
but she was running a little bit late.


Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman,
introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."


"Yes?"


"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I' m waiting
for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come
walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"


"Sure."


I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes
later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A
couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.


"Hi, Tom," he said.


I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."

spot the hidden!

Picture of 10 friends, one of them is hidden, can you find the 10th friend?

Fun with Images - 3

Spot the mistakes in these 2 Pics

I pic







II pic

Fun with Images - 2

Where is the Shark ?